What Are We Rabbling About Now: The Labyrinth Edition

In today’s episode of “Okay, people. What are we rabbling about now?” The remake/reboot of Labyrinth.

As I see it, all of the people rending their garments over the announcement of a Labyrinth remake are missing two important issues.

Thing One: Timing

The chronological positioning of this movie’s announcement on the heels of David Bowie’s death sucks the devil’s taint. Be that as it may, the conspiracy theorists need to take a deep breath. There is a lot of development that goes into getting a movie greenlit. TriStar and the Jim Henson Company were probably trying to put this movie together for a year. Bowie dying did not cause this movie to suddenly materialize out of the ether. Go ahead and be outraged at the tasteless timing behind the movie’s announcement, but don’t delude yourself into thinking there’s a causal relationship between Thomas Jerome Newton returning to his home world and Labyrinth being remade as if by an ill-worded wish.

Thing two: Nicole Perlman

Nicole Perlman co-wrote Guardians of the Galaxy. Nicole Perlman is set to write the remake/reboot of Labyrinth. I sense a great disturbance in the force as Guardians of the Galaxy espoused some really shitty ideas. In fact, I think I’m being too gentle when I call GotG’s ideas merely shitty. This is a movie so in love with the police state and the surveillance state that it is giving both a double-dutch, western grip handjob.

Think about it for a second. How many nations can you think of where the military, police, and prison guards are the same institution? Go ahead, have a google. I can wait. The only examples you are going to find are from failed states or rogue nations. Even North Korea pays lip service to separating the military and the civilian police into two separate organizations. Yet on Xandar, the Nova Corps call all the shots. Commander Adama would be ashamed.

We don’t even see evidence of a civilian government on Xandar. When Ronan the Accuser shows up, the Nova Prime is the only person calling the shots. I guess we should assume that Xandar’s democratically elected leader was busy taking a dump and couldn’t Facetime into the war room.

Combine all of the above with the Nova Corps’ detective work being done by autonomous drones, the autonomous killbots putting down prison riots with deadly force, and the reprehensible state of said Xandarian prisons and Guardians of the Galaxy’s shiny, happy, bastion of freedom has all the makings of a nightmarish dystopia state. Of course, it’s a stupidly popular, kid-friendly dystopia that normalizes the abuse of prisoners, the marginalization of civil liberties, and the comforting embrace of state surveillance.

Perlman has her name to this shit show. J’accuse, madam.

Think about all the fun social programming she might include in a Labyrinth remake. Perhaps she will find a way to make Labyrinth as a panopticon with Jareth as its all-seeing warden. So long as it is to the tune of Magic Dance, I doubt anyone will notice.