Adam’s Shopping Adventures: The Snarkening
Today I had an adventure – a shopping adventure. A shopping adventure on a day when I woke up on the utter and absolute salty side of the bed. I imagined facing down crowds of people acting like they were auditioning for membership in the Wild Hunt. This amid frantic emails and texts to try and get a few last (first) desperate insights on what people on my list might actually enjoy. Naturally, the first stop on my shopping junket was Princess Auto aka a store for “Real Men,” who like car things, gun things, and product branding that always affirms the mightiness of one’s penis.
But as I pulled my Mazda into a parking lot filled to bursting with Ford Land Raiders, one of which was equipped with a pair of truck nuts, I decided to do what I do best: I would bring joy to the world through the fine art of the piss take.
What follows is Adam’s history in a store for Real Men.
Wandering around a Princess Auto attempting to find my father an Xmas present while blending in with the “Real Men” pic.twitter.com/JaFjZ8sWnc
— Adam Xmas Gruber Shaftoe (@AdamShaftoe) December 20, 2018
TEKKAMAN BLADE!! pic.twitter.com/AjSKYCdx6N
— Adam Xmas Gruber Shaftoe (@AdamShaftoe) December 20, 2018
LORD BUCKETHEAD!!! pic.twitter.com/wMDNByLaIc
— Adam Xmas Gruber Shaftoe (@AdamShaftoe) December 20, 2018
When you need a flashlight and you need people to know you are a tough dude pic.twitter.com/3YUl88dCWG
— Adam Xmas Gruber Shaftoe (@AdamShaftoe) December 20, 2018
What the actual fuck pic.twitter.com/ClwH3CCvGy
— Adam Xmas Gruber Shaftoe (@AdamShaftoe) December 20, 2018
When you want to make creme brulé but also want to feel like a Space Marine pic.twitter.com/KVT51r9BAG
— Adam Xmas Gruber Shaftoe (@AdamShaftoe) December 20, 2018
Sir, can I help you.
Yes where is your gun nut section?
Sorry?
Gun aficionado section?
— Adam Xmas Gruber Shaftoe (@AdamShaftoe) December 20, 2018
Here’s a tableau. Rope and sausage making kit. When you want some shibari and a snack. pic.twitter.com/FpbbEVouef
— Adam Xmas Gruber Shaftoe (@AdamShaftoe) December 20, 2018
For all your tiny raves. pic.twitter.com/AVjKMvo8jG
— Adam Xmas Gruber Shaftoe (@AdamShaftoe) December 20, 2018
For children… pic.twitter.com/M8LmXZR7xX
— Adam Xmas Gruber Shaftoe (@AdamShaftoe) December 20, 2018
Who wants to play Fort Nite? pic.twitter.com/9uGSk89rR7
— Adam Xmas Gruber Shaftoe (@AdamShaftoe) December 20, 2018
When you want the linoleum to know you are not fucking about pic.twitter.com/9U1hF6RHEg
— Adam Xmas Gruber Shaftoe (@AdamShaftoe) December 20, 2018
New store new thread. My mom wants DVDs and I have no idea where to get them other than Walmart.
Mom: Get me Spartacus
Me: No.
Mom: Why
Me: Because that’s too close to buying my mother porn.
— Adam Xmas Gruber Shaftoe (@AdamShaftoe) December 20, 2018
Hi, how can I help you?
Yes, hello, I am a man out shopping and I am out of my depth. I would like a gift card.
— Adam Xmas Gruber Shaftoe (@AdamShaftoe) December 20, 2018
Or you know, you could plant seeds in dirt for like 5 bucks #DisruptiveTech #Innovation. pic.twitter.com/285Nhws86z
— Adam Xmas Gruber Shaftoe (@AdamShaftoe) December 20, 2018