Adam’s Shopping Adventures: The Snarkening

Today I had an adventure – a shopping adventure. A shopping adventure on a day when I woke up on the utter and absolute salty side of the bed. I imagined facing down crowds of people acting like they were auditioning for membership in the Wild Hunt. This amid frantic emails and texts to try and get a few last (first) desperate insights on what people on my list might actually enjoy. Naturally, the first stop on my shopping junket was Princess Auto aka a store for “Real Men,” who like car things, gun things, and product branding that always affirms the mightiness of one’s penis.

But as I pulled my Mazda into a parking lot filled to bursting with Ford Land Raiders, one of which was equipped with a pair of truck nuts, I decided to do what I do best: I would bring joy to the world through the fine art of the piss take.

What follows is Adam’s history in a store for Real Men.

Wandering around a Princess Auto attempting to find my father an Xmas present while blending in with the “Real Men” pic.twitter.com/JaFjZ8sWnc

— Adam Xmas Gruber Shaftoe (@AdamShaftoe) December 20, 2018

TEKKAMAN BLADE!! pic.twitter.com/AjSKYCdx6N

— Adam Xmas Gruber Shaftoe (@AdamShaftoe) December 20, 2018

LORD BUCKETHEAD!!! pic.twitter.com/wMDNByLaIc

— Adam Xmas Gruber Shaftoe (@AdamShaftoe) December 20, 2018

When you need a flashlight and you need people to know you are a tough dude pic.twitter.com/3YUl88dCWG

— Adam Xmas Gruber Shaftoe (@AdamShaftoe) December 20, 2018

What the actual fuck pic.twitter.com/ClwH3CCvGy

— Adam Xmas Gruber Shaftoe (@AdamShaftoe) December 20, 2018

When you want to make creme brulé but also want to feel like a Space Marine pic.twitter.com/KVT51r9BAG

— Adam Xmas Gruber Shaftoe (@AdamShaftoe) December 20, 2018

Sir, can I help you.

Yes where is your gun nut section?

Sorry?

Gun aficionado section?

— Adam Xmas Gruber Shaftoe (@AdamShaftoe) December 20, 2018

Here’s a tableau. Rope and sausage making kit. When you want some shibari and a snack. pic.twitter.com/FpbbEVouef

— Adam Xmas Gruber Shaftoe (@AdamShaftoe) December 20, 2018

For all your tiny raves. pic.twitter.com/AVjKMvo8jG

— Adam Xmas Gruber Shaftoe (@AdamShaftoe) December 20, 2018

For children… pic.twitter.com/M8LmXZR7xX

— Adam Xmas Gruber Shaftoe (@AdamShaftoe) December 20, 2018

Who wants to play Fort Nite? pic.twitter.com/9uGSk89rR7

— Adam Xmas Gruber Shaftoe (@AdamShaftoe) December 20, 2018

When you want the linoleum to know you are not fucking about pic.twitter.com/9U1hF6RHEg

— Adam Xmas Gruber Shaftoe (@AdamShaftoe) December 20, 2018

New store new thread. My mom wants DVDs and I have no idea where to get them other than Walmart.

Mom: Get me Spartacus

Me: No.

Mom: Why

Me: Because that’s too close to buying my mother porn.

— Adam Xmas Gruber Shaftoe (@AdamShaftoe) December 20, 2018

Hi, how can I help you?

Yes, hello, I am a man out shopping and I am out of my depth. I would like a gift card.

— Adam Xmas Gruber Shaftoe (@AdamShaftoe) December 20, 2018

Or you know, you could plant seeds in dirt for like 5 bucks #DisruptiveTech #Innovation. pic.twitter.com/285Nhws86z

— Adam Xmas Gruber Shaftoe (@AdamShaftoe) December 20, 2018