How to Make Tacos the Adam Shaftoe Way

Hokay, here’s what you are going to need to make Adam’s tacos.

Hey, Adam, remember when you used to review things.

Shut up, brain.

Ingredients

• Medium ground beef, roughly a pound but probably more because leftovers, am I right?
• Rice, one cup – the good stuff with a rooster on the bag that’s from Thailand. Never eat product of America rice.
• One can of good quality black beans
• One cup of frozen corn
• One medium-to-large Spanish onion
• One head of garlic – the good stuff with a tinge of purple in it, not that rubbish in a three pack
• A fist full of fresh chives
• 4 tablespoons of sesame seed oil
• 1 teaspoon of corn starch
• ½ teaspoon powered beef stock
• Montreal steak pice (to taste)
• Soy sauce (to taste)
• Crappy old red cooking wine
• Sour cream
• Salsa
• Pickled jalapenos
• Sharp cheddar cheese – I like the stuff from Vermont

Meat

1. The meat is the easiest part of this. Put a big pan or skillet on medium heat. While it is warming up, add sesame oil and corn starch. Mix until you have a smooth paste.
2. Once the pan is hot, put in the meat.
3. Add Montreal steak spice.
4. Some people will tell you to add paprika at this point. Those people are either Hungarian or wrong. Which are you?
5. Give the meat a splash of soy sauce.
6. While the meat is browning, why don’t you go ahead and roughly chop up the onion, thinly slice 4-6 cloves of garlic, and finely chop up the chives.
7. Scoop the meat out of the pan and put it on a plate to rest up.
8. If you did the oil and cornstarch part properly, there should be a wee bit of oil-starch-grease remaining in the pan. Use it for the next part.

Corn and Black Bean Contraption

1. Those onions you should have cut up? In the pan.
2. Let the onions cook for about ten minutes before putting in the black beans.
3. For the love of all that is holy, rinse the beans before you put them in the pan. I don’t want to hear about it if you dump the can, bean juice and all, into the pot.
4. Once the onions start to brown up a bit, add the corn, garlic, and a splash of wine.
5. Go ahead and taste that funky old cooking wine. You know you want to, and I won’t judge.
6. The wee bit of residual oil and cornstarch should help make a thick sort of sauce that adheres to everything and is 100% flavor as the wine cooks down.
7. Did I mention this recipe is not vegan or vegetarian friendly? Sorry. I should have mentioned that earlier.
8. Once the garlic starts to get soft, throw in the chives, add a bit more wine, turn the heat down, and put a lid on the entire production.

Rice

1. Take one cup of rice.
2. Rinse the rice because I once read something on the internet that said if you don’t rinse your rice, you’ll die from arsenic poisoning.
3. Put arsenic-free rice in a pot and add 1.5 cups of water.
4. Want more rice? Maintain a 3:2 ratio of water to rice.
5. Bring rice to boil and add beef stock.
6. Once rice boils, set it to the lowest heat, cover your pot, and let simmer for 12 minutes.
7. I SAID 12 MINUTES. TRUST ME ON THIS ONE.

Once you reach this point, you’ll need to start cleaning up the kitchen before your partner realizes what a mess you’ve made. Don’t have a partner? Rest assured your pet/Twitter followers/the spirit of Gordon Ramsey will judge you for being untidy and not cleaning as you go.

Taco Prep

Using a hard taco shell (because soft tacos are for heretics) layer in the following order

• Rice
• Meat
• Corn and black bean contraption
• Cheese
• Sour cream
• Salsa
• Jalapenos

Repeat the above at least three more times because nobody believes that you’ve gone to all this effort to eat less than four tacos. Ensure adequate paper towels are handy for the wiping of one’s taco smeared gob.

Your partner or pet may ask for a bite of your taco. Tell them to go to hell and/or make their own tacos. You didn’t spend the last hour in the kitchen to share food off your own plate.

As you’re packing up leftovers for the rest of the week, know that 500,000 years of human evolution and 10,000 years of human civilization has led to you, stuffing your face with a fantastic taco while watching old episodes of Community on Netflix. Know that you are part of something wonderful and larger than you can imagine. Sleep soundly with the knowledge you will probably not need to cook for the rest of the week, or at least the next couple of days.